Kissing... why?

[riventhorn]

 I'm ace, and there's a lot about sexual attraction that eludes me. But the one that puzzles me the most is kissing. I can understand why someone would want to have sex with another person, and I can even kind of get kissing other parts of a person's body, like their neck. But kissing on the mouth? I just cannot understand it. It is so very unappealing to me and yet it is such a default romantic/sexual gesture. Such a default, in fact, that I have never really come across much of an explanation of why people like it. Descriptions I've read of kissing usually go for describing the texture of the other person's lips, how they taste (and I am always rather doubtful of the often flowery nature of those descriptions), and I guess the general intimacy of it? But is that really it? It's almost always presented as simply a given--you are attracted to a person, therefore you naturally want to kiss them.

So for anyone who does enjoy kissing and doesn't mind explaining exactly what you like about it, I would be very interested to hear your perspective. 

Comments

[mecurtin]

Too tired to answer your question right now, but note that there are LOTS of cultures that agree with you about kissing.

[riventhorn]

That's an interesting article! I was aware that kissing as a demonstration of attraction/affection is embedded in social constructs. And I certainly internalized the idea that kissing=love=kissing to the point that I did not question it for a very long time, accepted that this was something one did if you had a partner, and only gradually came to the realization that in fact, I did not want to do it.

[firestar]

*bookmarks link like woah*

[galaxysoup]

(YES THANK YOU!

I am also ace, and can add nothing of educational value to this discussion, except to echo the "...but, why?" It just seems so unsanitary!)

[riventhorn]

I know! I can handle watching a relatively chaste pressing-of-lips-together, but I always hate it in movies when the actors get more... open-mouthed and frantic about it. Or witnessing it in RL, lol.

[naye]

Hmmm. I'm demi, and depending on who is doing the kissing I've got the "ew" thing for the kind described as "dueling tongues" so this is definitely colored by that, but...

If it's part of sex then intense making out can feel very intimate? You can hear all of those little sounds your partner makes because their mouth is right there, and because lips and tongues are sensitive you can feel lots of their responses to what you're doing! And with closed eyes there's a lot of trust and anticipation happening.

In a non-sex context kissing without tongue definitely satisfies that OMG THEY'RE SO CUTE I WANT TO NOM ON THEM reaction that I have to my wife. <3

[clevermanka]

oh oh oh I forgot about the sounds...and the feeling of their breath on your lips and face, or even breathing into each other's mouths--BIG FAN OF THAT TOO

[riventhorn]

I love the last bit there about wanting to nom on your wife. :D And the trust and anticipation aspect is something I hadn't considered. So fascinating! Thanks for sharing. :)

[teaotter]

I've never experienced the whole 'if you're attracted to someone, you must want to kiss them' thing, and I even like kissing! I think that's just a convenient romance trope.

Most verbal descriptions of physical sensations frankly kind of suck, because we don't have a good vocabulary for it. So people fall back on what they've read before. I admit, I usually skip straight to the emotional impact of kissing because it's easier than trying to describe the physical sensations.

For me, there's a level where it's like sensation play. Textures and temperatures feel different to my mouth than to my hands. It can be enjoyable to play around with that. Considering how much of the human brain is dedicated to sensory processing for the lips and tongue, there's also just how intense the sensations are. Touching there is loud and immediate and potentially overwhelming.

There is something about doing that with someone, when both of you are doing it at the same time together, that makes mutual kissing fun.

There's certainly intimacy and connection and communication, too, but most of those can be done other ways and aren't specifically about kissing.

[riventhorn]

Textures and temperatures-- interesting! I can see the intensity of sensation too. And you're right that it's a convenient trope. I feel like kissing is at the top of the hierarchy of cues-- like if a couple never kisses, they aren't *really* in love. Which is ridiculous, but I feel it's very prevalent.

[yantantether]

I like kissing, but it is quite hard to explain why (and I frequently have this problem when writing fic - writing kissing scenes is the WORST.)

It's intimate, and to me a lovely way of giving and receiving affection. Also, there's a lot of other sensory stuff going on while kissing - you might be touching the other person's hair, feeling their body against yours, as well as feeling their mouth on yours. And deep kissing, when it gets messy and wet and you're touching tongues, does feel like (part of) sex in a way that can be super hot (but again VERY hard to describe!)

[riventhorn]

Many people have been mentioning the intensity of the sensory aspects. The sensitivity of one's mouth hadn't occurred to me. But it makes a lot of sense. Thanks for sharing!

[clevermanka]

I love kissing--doing it, reading about it, thinking about it, watching it. I have A Lot of feelings about kissing (and mouths in general) so if you really wanna hear 'em...

Part of my love of kissing is probably because I have something of an oral fixation. I used to smoke, still miss it desperately. I have a questionably-healthy relationship with food/eating. I don't really grind my teeth, but I click them a lot and chew my lips. I touch my mouth a lot if I'm not thinking about it (one of the few bad habits I've tried to break because GERMS). I'm what dentists call a tongue thruster (linked so you don't have to look up something that might bring up unpleasant results). Etc., etc., you get the idea. I don't know if my mouth/lips/tongue are naturally extra-sensitive or if I've psychologically sensitized them. It amounts to the same thing, really, so dunno if it matters.

Basically my mouth is a major erogenous zone, and when I'm aroused (or am around someone I'm attracted to) that area gets...idk, tingly? and sensitive (I'm using that word a lot, sorry) like erectile tissue. So mashing my lips and tongue against someone else's lips and tongue is hugely enjoyable, as is exploring other parts of their body with lips and tongue. I know it's a cliche to say "ached to kiss" but seriously, my lips and tongue have actually hurt from my wanting to kiss someone so much. Not like accidentally biting it pain, more like delayed onset muscle soreness (if that makes sense, idk I'm reaching for metaphors here). I agree with yantantether that it definitely does feel like part of sex. I mean, with deep kissing, you are, technically inside the other person and that's incredibly hot to me.

So that's the physiological side of it, but I also like the emotional aspect. It's a form of sexual intimacy that's (generally) safer for someone who's just playing around. I'm not a terribly romantic person and although I love stories about (real and fictional) people who are deeply in love, that's just...not where I live. So kissing provides an outlet for sexual expression that I might not be able to indulge without a ton of discussion/negotiation/engagement. Some friends of mine who share this tendency came up with the term "sport kissing" to describe it (we're most of us former theater nerds and/or RenFest workers and I think this sort of casual sexuality is pretty common among those demographics).

Kissing is also incredibly visually appealing to me. I love watching people (who are good at it) kiss. From what I've seen, Bai Yu is very good at it. =D

I hope this helps you understand why at least one person loves kissing so much. This is such an interesting discussion and I hope more people weigh in. Actually, I'd like to copypasta my comment into a post on my on journal since this is a locked post. Would you mind?

[riventhorn]

Will be back later with a longer comment but it's fine if you want to repost the comment. I also unlocked the post so it's public if you just want to link. I'd be interested in hearing from more people.

[clevermanka]

Cool! Thank you!

[riventhorn]

Back to say that your perspective is so fascinating! And so very much the opposite of mine, lol. I do enjoy static art of kissing, and also animation, but seeing kissing on film or in RL with real people is usually not too enjoyable for me. The whole intense sensation aspect of it that you describe makes a lot of sense though. Thanks for sharing!

[clevermanka]

I'm glad it was interesting!

[glymr]

I feel like a lot of the portrayals of kissing - like a lot of the portrayals of sex and intimacy in general in media - tend to be really weird and not at all like how it is in real life. OTOH, it could be just me that's weird. I've been in a relationship for 25 years, married for 23 of those, and have only limited experience outside of it, so that's necessarily going to skew my feelings on the matter.

I've never liked having a tongue shoved deep in my mouth. I think it's gross and I tend not to write it unless I want it to be gross. Watching people do it on TV and movies grosses me out. But lips and tongue are very sensitive, as others have pointed out. If you brush a finger across your lips, you'll feel it a lot more on your lips than your finger. So touching lips to lips is touching sensitive body part against sensitive body part. It's not so different from neck kissing - very nice for the person getting kissed, but also nice for the person doing the kissing, with warm skin against their lips, etc.

Tongues are trickier, but for me, tongues dippng just past the lips, teasing and touching each other, is very sexy and romantic in the right context. The right context in our case is generally only as a lead up to sex. Sucking or nibbling on each other's lips can also be VERY sexy and pleasant.

I agree with you about the unrealistic description of the flavor of other people's mouths, but it's all one with unrealistic depictions of sex in general (I honestly wonder what the proportion of people who have actually tried rimming is to the people who have written about it; I suspect the ratio is vanishingly small). Real sex isn't always easy or comfortable, even with a partner one knows well. Kissing isn't always pleasant, but it can be with the right person in the right context, especially if you're both on the same page about how you like to kiss/be kissed (ie some people like a lot of tongue; I don't). So I tend to roll with descriptions of kissing in stories as much as I do for descriptions of sex in general. I'm mostly in it for the emotional aspects anyway when I'm reading.

[riventhorn]

I think everyone's take on this is very personal, with their own particular shading of liking and disliking. So not weird at all! And yes, fictional kissing and sex is usually unrealistic.... Which is okay with me. Realistic sex portrayals is not what I'm there for. :D

[mekare]

I've never liked having a tongue shoved deep in my mouth.

I'm the same.

(I honestly wonder what the proportion of people who have actually tried rimming is to the people who have written about it; I suspect the ratio is vanishingly small).

Ha! Same here. Especially with all those fics that write kissing directly after unprotected rimming - yuck.

I try to see fic sex scenes for what they are - fantasy sex which has little to do with real sex. And with that caveat they are enjoyable.

[firestar]

Also ace and also have nothing to add to the conversation, but I'm similarly interested as to the responses.

That said, I don't mind reading kiss scenes I'm just not sure I'd want to do it myself? And while I don't mind reading smut that is also something I really don't want to do myself because. No. Just no. >.>

[riventhorn]

I don't mind reading kissing scenes, although watching kissing can be unappealing for me. Reading and watching porn I also enjoy, as well as solo play with toys. But with another person? Noooooo. It took me a long time to encounter the idea that there is a difference between sexual attraction and sexual arousal. I wish I had encountered more about being ace growing up. It would have helped!

[firestar]

Right? It would have been so helpful. The first time I came across the term 'autochorissexual' (idec if that's spelled wrong, can't be arsed to look it up) was a revelation. Same with 'asexual' too, tbf. There's words for that? It's an actual thing? omfg. O.O

[seascribble]

I'm...IDK, some kind of nonsexual queer, but I've dated and boned in the past, with kissing, and I liked it then. The thought of doing it now is kind of eh. Mouths, man. But they're really sensitive and used for exploring things, so that's probably part of it? I remember that it felt good but also that it was like wired to wanting to get it on--kissing made feelings (both emotional and physical) more intense and amped up the level of horniness. And nonsexual kissing is just sweet? I would still do that, it's nice and a way of being intimate kind of like a hug.

[riventhorn]

It's interesting how those feelings change over time. I've enjoyed hearing everyone's take on this because, as with many things, mainstream media tends to erase such nuances.

[ranalore]

Hmm. I'm ace too, but not aro, and I enjoy kissing as an expression of intimacy. The touch of lips on mine is an amazing and overwhelming sensation. I'm not big on tongues touching, though.

I do enjoy reading and watching depictions of kissing, though, just like I enjoy reading porn, even if I have absolutely no interest in ever having sex again (I was married for fourteen years before figuring out my sexuality). I don't enjoy what I call "tonsil-diving," but when the actors have chemistry and know how to make kissing look aesthetically pleasing, I find the act an expressive trope demonstrating their relationship. Which probably sounds very weird to anyone who doesn't live inside my head, but there you are.

[riventhorn]

Yes, some kissing is more aesthetically pleasing than others! I enjoy reading or watching sex much more than straight up kissing. I think I'd actually have an easier time engaging in sexual intercourse than kissing, in fact.

[mekare]

Thank you for starting this post, reading the comments has been great (especially the linked studies about cultural differences).
I don't think I can add anything new here, I'm in the 'no tongue dueling' camp and much prefer brushing lips and light tongue brushing. It also takes a while to get in the mood (which kissing is excellent for) - so anticipation is an important part of kissing for me. Looking at the shape of someone's lips (e.g. nice ones like Bai Yu's), imagining how soft they are, how they'd feel on skin or lips is something I like IRL and seeing described in fic (there was a Guardian one in elizacake's 15 Kisses series recently which did such an excellent job at this, with Yunlan smoking, licking and biting his lips until Shen Wei jumped him and kissed him).

[riventhorn]

It's been so interesting! I love how there is such a diversity of feelings and opinions here, even in such a small sample. No one is exactly the same. I think I was anticipating more of a "standard" answer among people who do like kissing, but nope, everyone has a particular nuance to it.

[extrapenguin]

I am neither ace nor aro, but I loathe mouth-to-mouth kissing with the passion of a thousand fiery Suns. I can sort of tolerate a chaste peck, but open-mouthed? Find someone else, mate. Literally anywere else is a better place to kiss, both giving and receiving. So is nose nuzzling, which also feels more intimate to me.

Ficwise, I'm more tolerant – it's one of those Romance Tokens that is very convenient as a signpost for where we are in a romantic arc/emotional shorthand, and written descriptions of lip nibbling can be hot. But I don't like mention of tongues there, either.

[riventhorn]

I loathe mouth-to-mouth kissing with the passion of a thousand fiery Suns

lololol :D

Awww, I can see the appeal of nose nuzzling. And I love how even within this small sample here, there is such a diversity of feelings about kissing.

Yes--in fic, what I read and want to read is very different from what I would want to experience IRL.